How to be the Dick that Women Like

In the whatever of the sexes, there is an ongoing issue with the ‘nice guy’. The misrepresenting ass who plays nice till he accepts that a girl won’t sleep with him and then becomes a dick. Issues with not having the nuance to distinguish between nice and deceitful people in your terminology aside, there is a simple rule to being the guy that these nicists apparently can’t stand being rejected for.

I’m not saying this is the only way to do this, but it is certainly one enjoyable tactic. Being a good douche is all about sending the right signals at the macro-level. My writing here largely doesn’t exhibit this tactic because I’m usually dealing with serious issues and talking to an audience – hence why I opted against the alternative title of “Why Women like the Dick”. But when you’re trying to enjoy an interpersonal relationship, it works very well if you do the right thing in the wrong way. However, that wrong thing has to be done in the right way. Often a rectifying point is overlooked and has to be repeated. So, to do so now, you have to say the right thing, in the wrong way, but the part that is wrong has to be done in the right way.1

Case in point, I went on a first date last night. It was low-key, and we just met up to have a couple of weeknight drinks at a small venue. I ended up getting slightly drunk, and towards the end of the evening, I got somewhere between a bit and way too handsy while making out. This morning I apologised. At the macro-level, my text was an apology. The exact contents were:

Hey. Sorry I got so handsy last night. I was going to blame the alcohol but I think I’ll just blame you instead.

This is a blatant bungling of the apology, but for whatever reason it’s funny. This was especially tame as it was after a first date, but the principal stands at every point that I’m familiar with, and it’s in the later stages where you can be easily interpreted and represented as a douche to people outside of the relationship.

My mind is a constant stream of the wrong thing to say, so a counter-example is particularly easy as well. Say, for instance, you self-deprecate, and a girl says to you that you don’t do X and Y, so you’re ahead of the competition. Here, the wrong thing to say (partially because it’s not funny, but the principal stands when it is) is something like “I also have a massive dick, how much further ahead does that put me”. At the macro-level, you have just told someone that you have a massive dick. This is the wrong thing to say in every non-medical situation that I know of. However, you have justified saying something incredibly stupid by misunderstanding it, thereby making it funny. However, at the macro-level, you have still said the wrong thing.

That’s all it comes down to. We have a general idea of what the right thing to say is. It’s very roughly the thing that you yourself would prefer to hear in that situation if it were the truth. However, someone clearly saying the right thing is often cheesy or lame. So you just have to bungle it purposefully. In basically every relatively trivial situation, if you make her laugh it was the right thing to say. Obviously.

1 Coincidentally this can be described as a thesis with a negation followed by a negation of the negation. But that’s a separate and trivial matter.

3 thoughts on “How to be the Dick that Women Like

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